My Hero
by that one little guy
Summary: A certain green alien thinks about the girl who turned his life around.  My first attempt at fluff.  Be nice.


**A/N: **Yeah. . . I just love Amy/Kif. So here's the result. Hope you enjoy.

-----

Everybody always asks me what it's like serving under the one and only Major General Webelo Zapp Brannigan, and I always answer them truthfully.

It sucks.

I used to supplement this, once in a while, with "Please kill me". Not that I _really _wanted to die. There were just days when I felt that hopeless. The rest of the crew and I recognized Zapp as the pompous buffoon that he is, but everyone else thought he was a _hero_. After all, he's a high-ranking officer of the D.O.O.P. military, and there wasn't a person in the galaxy who hadn't heard of his countless victories. Like the time he defeated the pacifists of the Gandhi nebula. Oh, and of course the battle against the killbots. I've lost count of all the times he's made me point out that damn medal he won for that.

And who was I? Just his anonymous lieutenant that nobody cared about. Zapp always called me his "best and most loyal friend", which I never considered to be a good thing at all. Surely I was the only sentient life form in the known universe who was dumb enough to be loyal to _him_, especially considering everything he put me through. I have to shave his armpits, for God's sake. And did I mention he doesn't wear underpants? _Ever?_

And of course, whenever he did something so stupid even the _public _had to notice, well, then he blamed _me_ for it.

So many times I dreamed of just quitting D.O.O.P. forever, but of course I couldn't do that. As miserable as this job is, you get paid surprisingly well for working for _the _Zapp Brannigan. And there isn't much else I'm good at.

If things were bad in the early days, though, they got even worse after Zapp actually managed to have _sex _with somebody. I don't really have anything bad to say about Leela, especially since she's the biological mother of my babies. I was a little disappointed in her, though; when she first came aboard the _Nimbus _she seemed like a very competent starship captain, and certainly the _last _person who would fall for Zapp.

I did feel sorry for her, considering Zapp never left her alone after that little incident. But trust me, I had it even worse. All he would ever talk about was his incredible conquest of the "hot alien babe" – who turned out to not be an alien at all, I might add. And of course, along with his newly-inflated ego came a whole new round of work for _me _to do. Somewhere along the line he decided he was too good to do his own _laundry _anymore. And take it from me, it's not easy to wash velour.

So when Zapp did the unthinkable and decided to captain the luxury cruise ship, _Titanic_, during her maiden voyage, I was fairly sure nothing good would come from it. When I found out Leela and her friends were all going to be on board as well, I was _positive_.

Thankfully, Zapp didn't hit on Leela the _entire _time (mainly because he thought she was engaged to that crewmate of hers, Fry) and actually piloted the ship like he was supposed to.

"Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch," he said to me while we were in the wheel room.

Well, I was used to that. "I'll get the powder, sir," I sighed.

"No, the itch for adventure!" he declared. "Prepare to change course."

_Here he goes again_, I thought, but I tried to talk some sense into him. "Sir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path was set by the travel agency."

To prove my point, I lowered a map that showed a straight line extending from Earth to our destination. But Zapp was still Zapp, and he wouldn't have any of it.

"That's for schoolgirls! Now _here's _a route with some chest hair!"

He grabbed a marker and drew another, very squiggly path on the map.

"But that course leads directly through a swarm of comets!" I protested, since he had obviously failed to notice.

"Yes, comets! The icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing from one to the next at breakneck speed, we might just get some kind of gravity boost. . . or something."

Well, I probably don't have to tell you that things went from bad to worse after that. Zapp was a little too _preoccupied _to steer through the comets, and when I finally dragged him back to the wheel room to point out the considerable danger we were in, he decided to set a new course near a "blackish hole-ish thing". Yes, he really called it that.

I tried to get him to change course, but he didn't listen, and within minutes we felt the _Titanic_ give a lurch as it wassucked toward the black hole. That, and the screaming and panicking of everyone on deck, finally got Zapp to realize that we were in trouble.

"Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start," he said solemnly. I decided not to comment. "Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship."

I blinked. Did he really mean that?

"That's surprisingly noble of you, sir!" I said, beginning to feel respect for him for the first time ever.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

"No, it's noble of _you_, Kif! As of now, you're in command!"

He ripped the captain's badge off of his shirt and stuck it on mine. "Congratulations, captain!"

And before I knew it, he was flying out into space in an escape pod. I was alone.

I don't know why I wasn't angrier at him. For some reason, I wasn't surprised at all that he had left me – left the entire ship – to die. It was, as he might say, completely Branniganesque of him.

Well, captain or not, I didn't particularly feel like going down with the ship. So I made a break for the escape pods along with everyone else, although with everyone pushing and shoving and the ship moving faster and faster toward our doom, it wasn't easy going.

When I first bumped into that old lady, I was just annoyed. Now I know it was fate.

"Watch where you going, squishy!" she shouted. "I running for my life here!"

"I'm very sorry, ma'am," I tried to say, when I noticed she was staring at my badge while everybody else swarmed past us.

"You are the captain?" she inquired.

"Well, uh, technically yes. . . ."

"Leo!" she shouted. "I finally found a man for our daughter!"

"Perfect!" said an old man whom I took to be her husband. "Let's show him to her before we all get killed!"

I had no idea what was going on, but suddenly both of them had grabbed me and were steering me along with them.

When we finally got back out on deck and reached the escape pods, all I wanted to do was get in and get out, but they had other plans.

"Amy!" the old lady called out. Wait a minute – didn't Leela have a crewmate named Amy? Were these her parents?

"Mom! Dad! You're alive!" I heard her say. Her parents were blocking my view.

"Yeah, but so what?" said her father. "The important thing is we found you a new man!"

"A _captain!_" said her mother, nudging me forward.

And I saw Amy Wong for the first time.

Oh, _how_ do I describe that moment? Unless you've been in love, you won't understand how I felt. All of a sudden I forgot that we were on a doomed space liner that was minutes away from being dragged into oblivion. All I had room for in my brain was that impossibly beautiful girl standing in front of me. And from the way she was looking at me, she must have felt the same way. Not about herself, I mean. About me.

"Hi!" she said.

"Hello!" I said.

And the next thing I knew, I had her in my arms and we were kissing as though we had been in love forever. I couldn't even remember where I was carrying her to. . . oh that's right, the escape pods. We were being sucked into a black hole and all that.

Well, we all made it safely back to Earth, although that robot Bender's girlfriend had to give up her life for us. I hardly knew him, but I felt bad for him nonetheless, especially since _I _finally knew what love was like. I had never been in love before, not even with someone from my own planet, much less an Earthling girl, and I promised myself I'd _never _take it for granted.

Amy and I did nothing but talk all the way back, and I could hardly believe it was over when we landed in front of Planet Express, where she worked. After all that time we spent on the escape pod, the goodbye happened almost too quick for me to fathom; all she did was scribble down her phone number, give me a little kiss, and say "Call me!"

And that was it. Then she was gone, like she'd never been in my life in the first place.

Now I have to admit, I'm not very good at talking to girls. All right, I'm _terrible _at it. Zapp may not know the first thing about women, but at least he can _talk _to them.

I tried to call her, I really did. Ten times a day, for a whole year, I tried. But every time she picked up the phone, my voice gave out. Just hearing her sweet "Hello?" made me lose control of myself. All I could do was stutter and gasp and then finally hang up.

Oh, it was _terrible_. I don't know how I lasted so long without her. She was the love of my life, I knew it, and I might never even speak to her again.

But the worst part, the absolute _worst _part, came after that idiot Zapp blew up D.O.O.P. Headquarters. It was bad enough that he blamed _me _for it, again, and I was court-martialed along with him. But after a few days of us living like bums, where does he decide to turn for help but Leela? And that meant working at Planet Express – where _Amy _was!

Why, oh why didn't I talk to her then? For goodness' sake, we were sitting at the same _table! _But no, I was such a coward. I couldn't even look her in the eye. I sat there waiting for her to say something to _me_, to do something that said she even remembered who I was! But it never happened. We left on our delivery mission, and Amy stayed behind. She hadn't even looked in my direction.

I poured my heart out to Leela instead. How much I hated working for Zapp, all the ridiculous things he made me do, how unhappy I was. I didn't mention Amy at all. I was too heartbroken. She had forgotten me after all.

Apparently Leela managed to save the ship from being crashed into the Neutral Planet – she kicked me off before it happened – but as Zapp took the credit for it, they reinstated the both of us. I didn't think I could be more miserable after that, but I was. I had lost the only chance I'd ever have of talking to Amy again, and no one even felt sorry for me anymore.

But all that finally changed one day – oh, I'll never forget that day as long as I live. I was in my room, trying to call Amy again, but failing as always.

"I love you!" I cried at the phone after I slammed it back down. I was completely in despair. "Oh, why must I be such a coward?"

Unfortunately, Zapp decided to walk in on me crying just then. Naturally he thought he could solve my problem, and so, for the first time ever, I opened up to someone about Amy. Nobody else knew about her.

Zapp decided to set us up on a date at Le Palm d'Orbit, but only because Amy happened to know Leela and he wanted another chance to score with her. I admit I made the very large mistake of asking Zapp for advice on talking to women, and he gave me his book of pickup lines.

"Say as many of them as fast as you can," he advised. "Don't stop for any reason."

We walked into the restaurant, and there she was. If anything, she was even prettier than the first time I saw her. There was no way I could even open my mouth, much less try one of those pickup lines.

Amy did all the talking, and she said she hadn't spoken to me at Planet Express for the same reason as me: she was just shy, especially since I never called. I was overjoyed that she still remembered me. But it didn't help me talk at all.

"Kif, you're so quiet," she said after a while. "You haven't said a word all night."

Oh, I had to say _something! _But all that I could think of was "Hello."

"'Cause I was really hoping we could talk and stuff," she went on, with that smile that drove me crazy. All that would come out of my mouth was that damn stuttering. So finally I committed the most desperate act of my life and read one of Zapp's lines.

"Amy, if I said you had a beautiful body would you take off your pants and dance around a little?"

"What?!" she cried, looking horrified. Oh, _no! _That wasn't what I wanted! But Zapp just gave me a thumbs-up, like it was all going according to plan. So I tried again.

"I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies!"

"_Kif!_"

Leela was looking furious, and I know from experience that is always a bad thing. "This half-date is entirely over!" she shouted as she stood up. "Amy, conference!"

The two of them walked away, and I felt my heart breaking all over again. I had been so close, and I had blown it! Was I doomed to never be happy again?

Well, what happened after that was almost too weird for even me to believe. Zapp tried to seduce Leela with some karaoke, which ended up being so bad that everyone, even the crew, ran out in the escape pods and the entire restaurant crashed onto the planet Amazonia.

But at least everyone was all right. When we crawled out of the restaurant, I tried apologizing to Amy. But she just brushed me off.

"It's always a line with you!"

Oh, I hated Zapp so much then. And it didn't help things when the dumbass got us captured by a group of ten-foot-tall tribal women (in case you were wondering why the planet was called Amazonia).

I guess Fry and Bender found out about the crash and came to save us – well, Amy and Leela anyway – because they were captured too, while Amy and Leela were let go on account of they were women. Wouldn't you know it, these gigantic, deadly-looking women had a vendetta against men. And Zapp, Fry and Bender kept making them angry. Just my luck.

As it turned out, the Amazonians worshiped a giant, man-hating Femputer. We were all brought into the Femputer temple, and that big scary machine wanted to know why there were men on her planet.

"It was an accident, ma'am," said Fry.

"That does not fempute," said the Femputer. "Femputer will return after deciding your punishment."

Well, the other men and I all got shackled to a wall while we waited, and Leela and Amy got to talking to the Amazonians about the other men who had come here. They had all died of something called "snu-snu". Even _I _knew what they meant by that.

When the Femputer finally came back, she said the most frightening words I'd ever heard.

"After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men," she declared. "Femputer sentences them. . . to _death! __By __snu-snu!_"

Oh, Lord, _no! _I was going to be _sexed _to death?!

They really meant it, too. Fry, Zapp and I all got our clothes taken off as we were tied up and led to the snu-snu chambers.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had just lost the only girl I would ever love, and now I was about to die. The dying part would be bad enough, but I just _couldn't _go out knowing Amy hated me. I knew it was too late to win her back. But I at least had to tell her the truth. This was my last chance.

"Amy!" I said, because she, Leela, and Bender were there too. "Before I die, I have to tell you – I didn't mean to say those awful things on our date. They were all Zapp's idea."

I didn't know if she would believe me, but she looked like she wanted too. "Really? Honest and true?"

"Yes! And that person calling and hanging up. . . that was me. I was just too nervous to say hello, because. . . ."

I had kept it inside me for too long. It was now or never. "I _love _you!"

"Oh, Kif!"

That was all I heard from her, because just then one of those awful Amazonians dragged me away.

Thankfully, I didn't get snu-snued at all. I'm somewhat adept at crawling up walls, so I hid on the ceiling from all those scary women. From the noises coming from the other snu-snu chambers, though, I could tell Fry and Zapp weren't so lucky.

I knew I couldn't hide forever. Sooner or later one of them was bound to look up and notice me. And then I would die, never knowing whether or not Amy had forgiven me. Oh, I was such a failure. Maybe it was _better _that I just died. . . .

"Me next snu-snu! Out me way!"

I nearly had a heart attack. That was Amy!

Unfortunately, the Amazonian had just seen me and started poking me with a broom. I crawled all around the ceiling to get away.

Just then, Amy walked in disguised as an Amazonian. When she saw me, she gasped and jumped off her stilts.

"Kif, jump!"

She _did _forgive me! Better than that – she was _rescuing _me!

I dropped into her arms, and she smiled at me. She had the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.

"My hero!" I told her, and we kissed again. At long last.

Oh, she had no idea how much went into those two words. Of course she was my hero for saving me from the crazed women who wanted to snu-snu me to death. But it was more than that. She saved me from being lonely and miserable my whole life. From never being anything more than Zapp Brannigan's sorry little lackey. For the first time, somebody loved me. I actually mattered.

Well, we all got away from Amazonia alive and things went almost back to normal after that. I went back to my dead-end job and Amy went back to hers. Zapp kept on belittling me, and the rest of the world kept on forgetting I existed and thinking he was the greatest hero the universe had ever seen.

It didn't bother me anymore.


End file.
